July 21 : Welp, I wrote this page on a terrible day. It's not that bad, most of the time. My life is fine. I just have a bit of a mental scar left by a few rough years of my life. I'm getting my life back together, my friends do care about me, and there's plenty of hope in my future. Sometimes the pressure builds up, and I'm a bit short on coping mechanisms. This is a demon from my past. It is not me. I am better than this. I am happier than this. I am, and will be, fine. I just stumble sometimes.

To be honest, this page helped remind me of how long it has been since the last time these thoughts overwhelmed me. In my worst days, these thoughts were a constant cloud over my life. Seeing them now, I realize it's been months since the last time I felt this way. I realize how weak the grip of depression has become. Depression used to be able to ruin my life, and now the best it can do is ruin my day. The clouds are clearing, the future is bright, and I will be there for it.

Maybe my thoughts on here are relatable to someone. Just know that there's hope. The soul is stronger than you think. You will weather the storm, and you will stand tall on the other end. Be strong. Keep going. It might not seem worth it right now, but it will be worth it. Trust me, I've been there.

july 19 buried thoughts page

A good personal website should reflect its owner, right? Well, the main site makes me look a little too good to really be realistic. So here's the part of me where I bury all my misery, but leave little hints in the hope that someone will find it and care enough to help. Never really worked for me in real life, I guess discussing heavy topics scare people away. Sometimes they have dug enough to get me to open up and start crying. Then they stuck around until i stopped crying, before moving on with their life, forgetting all about it and leaving me here to carry the burden all on my own. I think I need a better way to fix this, wish I knew where to start. I tried therapy several times, even took some sort of pills to fix me, but I guess my autistic brain just doesn't respond to that shit. I guess this website helps a little, but what's the point of being a slightly more self-actualized lonely bastard?

I guess this is more of a coping mechanism. Tell strangers about my troubles to ease the pressure, but hide it instead of forcing it upon them to avoid feeling like a burden. Better this than venting to my online friends. I have few enough, I can't afford them getting tired of me. Real life friends, I don't even know if I have any anymore. There's one, but it's been ages, I've checked if they were interested in hanging out a couple times recently and got turned down. I'm sure he has his own struggles. Terrified of being too pushy and having him start to hate me.

I've been struggling with loneliness and depression for ages. Started in high school. Barely knew anyone. Mostly sat by myself, being miserable. Eventually found some people, which I thought would help. Heard a lot of cool stories about the fun stuff they did during weekends and never invited me to. They never once asked me to hang out outside of school. Made the whole "friendship" thing feel hollow, draining and pointless. Maybe they did consider me a friend, I don't know, but from my side it sure didn't feel like it.

Then came the worst years of my life. Started university. Missed 1 day during the first week 'cause I simply didn't have the energy to get out of bed. Then 2 the next. 3. 4. 5. After a couple months I broke down on a call with my parents, admitted I couldn't do it, and dropped out. Spent the next 4 years rotting in my bedroom, hating myself, and thinking about ending it all.

Eventually, i gathered up enough hope in my soul to ignite a little spark of belief and apply for university again. Cool, time to start a new chapter of life and try to make some friends. Whoops, global pandemic happened, everyone in class stuck to their friend groups, and I was in none of those groups. Made a couple of friends during my time there, but none of them particularly close. Haven't talked to any of them in ages.

Okay, that's 5 more years of my life, I have a master's degree now, but I'm still an unloved, lonely, sad attempt at a human being. But it's fine, I've got a tech degree, and people have been telling me for years that it was a good choice that should make it easy for me to get a job. Nope. I guess they were telling me what I wanted to hear and not what I needed to hear. Job market is hell. I made a supposedly good resume. At least everyone that helped me said it was good. More fake positivity, probably. One introductory interview in half a year of trying. I guess I was becoming delusional enough to have self worth, and the world had to snuff that out real quick. Eventually stopped applying because the suicidal thoughts from my bedrotting years were making their way back. Got some data entry job at an insurance broker through aquintances. It's decent enough, but I am constantly tormented by the feeling that I am wasting my potential. But I just gotta surpress those thoughts for a while, keep going, at least I can put this on my CV. Maybe then I can actually get a tech job. Maybe that will make me good enough to be loved. I don't know. But I have to believe. I have no choice but to believe. I am afraid of what I'll do if I stop believing, stop having hope.

That's the first version, the first draft, nice and chronological, covers all the broad strokes. It'll probably devolve into a disorganized mess below, whenever I need to get a bad memory off my chest. If you saw this, I am sorry. I didn't want to ruin your mood, but I needed there to be a chance that someone might listen. I needed a small hope that there's someone out there, some sort of help, in order to ease the burden just a little bit. If you're reading this, don't bother. You reading all this is more than I deserve. Spend your time and energy on someone worthy of it.